The lady who wanted to sell me a pen

On Saturday night, we were at A&W's in Ikano for dinner. As we were just tucking in, an elderly woman approached us and asked us to buy a pen or two from her. It cost RM3 per pen. We said we weren't interested. She wouldn't let it go, instead she went on to say something like "be kind, I'm hungry and need money for food" and she refused to go away.

In the end I told her that I won't buy her pen but I would buy her a meal if she wanted. She quickly pointed to what I was eating, a 2-piece chicken set. I got up and went to the counter to order it for her. While I was doing this, she wasted no time and approached another patron. The guy bought a few pens from her and I overheard her telling him who's who in the family who's all waiting at home to be fed.

When she closed the deal with that patron, she came over and stood next to me at the counter where the girl was placing the food stuff on a tray. She told her to pack them up as she wanted to bring it home because she was in a rush to go home. The girl behind the counter seemed baffled. She didn't know what to do and she just stopped doing her job and looked at me and that lady next to me. I just told her to pack and do whatever the lady wanted. When it was all done, the lady thanked me and quickly left.

I resumed dinner and a moment later, the girl who served me at the counter brought some fried chickens to our table. I told her I didn't order any and she said that her manager told her to bring them over as "replacement". Just then the manager came out to our table too and said it was complimentary. I was confused but I thanked them for their gesture and told them that we were already full and we won't take them.

Several minutes later, I finally figured out what happened and why they brought us the chicken. The girl must have thought that I ordered the food for myself and that the elderly lady came and took it away from me. She must've thought the lady was a little insane or something. That's why the manager told her to replace the food, I guess.

I'm not someone who don't agree to charity. It's just that these days there are too many sindicated teams hiring people to go about seeking donations. I would rather donate to someone who is in need and who can will benefit the entire sum of donation than to have most of the monies channelled to some rich sindicate.

A great but surely embarrasing Sunday

The day started off just perfect. It was a lazy Sunday morning, baby woke and then went back to sleep. I took the opportunity to sleep in as well until he had enough sleep and woke me up with his whining.

And then Ray made me a simple but satisfying 'breakfast in room' (when there's a baby around, there's no more breakfast in bed!). After that I took a long luxurious shower and was getting ready to head out. I was excited about today because my colleague was taking me to see her designer. I've got lots of satin fabric sitting around for about two years and I'm happy to have finally found someone to design something for me. I also wanted to alter my wedding gown. Though I feel a bit sad to have it cut and redesigned into a shorter dress, I thought it's better that way rather than not being able to wear it anywhere at all forever.

Fond memories: Me doing a gown fitting session back then.

Anyway, it was time to get going to the designer's and I was quite glad to be behind the wheels. (I've been driven to work since my 7th month into pregnancy till now! :P ) My car was parked outside the house because we just had the gardener come in the morning to trim the grass. When I got into the car, I realised that the fuel level was dangerously low. So my first stop was to the petrol kiosk.

When I got to the petrol kiosk, I discovered, to my horror, a huge garbage bag stuffed with freshly cut grass was stuck to the back of my car! Imagine how hilarious it was for the petrol attendants!! Even the cashier inside the convenience store was laughing. Of course I too, was in stitches. Can you imagine driving with that black garbage bag dragging along the road? I felt like a total disastrous female driver and somewhat a dumb blonde too. One of the attendant was quite kind, I think he was surpressing his laughter and helped me get rid of the garbage. I've caused quite a mess, because the bag had ripped open a little and some grass had fallen out. I didn't know what to do but laugh and then pretend I was cool about it. This has got to be the most embarrassing event for the year.

Anyway, the story was quickly forgotten when I reached the designer's. I brought along some designs I've picked out and one look at them, she said "somehow they don't catch my eye" and she said while they're very classic designs, she felt they would make me look mature. She's very diplomatic, isn't she? So instead of going with what I had, she designed some for me. But I kept modifying here and there because they were rather daring and sexy. In the end I agreed to a piece of simple and feminine dress which she thought would be great for a morning/day function and a rich red baby doll as evening wear. She would restyle my wedding gown too into a shorter dress and offered to use the remaining fabric to make a bustier. I declined it because I can't imagine where I'm gonna wear a bustier to. Wedding invites are coming to and end as most friends have gotten married. So the only functions I could look forward to would be baby-related parties and my company's annual dinners. Not very happening for a bustier right?

Oh I took a look at some of the designer's work for her customers as well as for herself. She made a few for some brides-to-be, a singer and her own function dresses. She loves chiffon so most of them were made in luxurious chiffon. They are so gorgeous that I was so tempted to make chiffon dresses too! But then again I still have the issue of not knowing where to wear those beautiful gowns to. It does them no justice being kept in the wardrobe.

That was the highlight of my day actually. When I got home, for some reason, I was so tired out (from all that excitement and adrenalin rush at the designer's?) that I slept the afternoon away. Thank goodness baby slept too otherwise I wouldn't have been able to nap.

When we woke up, it was time to head out for dinner. We headed to Mid Valley because both Ray and baby haven't stepped into The Gardens. I haven't been there in a very long time too. It's a nicer place to navigate the baby pram about because it's rather quiet compared to other malls. But when we hit Mid Valley itself, it's a different story all together.

To end my Sunday, Ray and I are seated in front of our computers, half watching some street magician doing funny tricks and sipping strawberry tea. Ray's actually working while I'm just blogging away...it's been a great day, despite the embarrassing episode. I look forward to more days of simple pleasures like these.

Queen B

At my work place, we love gatherings. We always find a reason to go out for lunch and always in a large group of at least 10 people. You could say that we love food, but more importantly I think we all get along so well that we look forward to such outings.

I gotta say my colleagues are a bunch of really fun people. They are smart, witty, funny, and sometimes downright bitchy but in a playful and fun way. Well, as long as you're not on the receiving end of the bitchiness, you would think it's fun right?

Anyway, during our last lunch gathering, we coined the term Queen Bitch B to be awarded to the person who shows the greatest level of bitchiness. Mind you, this "honoured" title is not restricted to only the females. Right now we have a Miss and a Mister who are neck to neck in competition to be crowned as The Queen B!

Don't get me wrong, we're a bunch of fun-loving people and the bitchiness about us is completely harmless. We are the direct type and pretty much talk "straight to your face". But it's all in good fun and we certainly know our limits. Being open-minded, we don't mind all the jests and insults we so casually hurl at each other.

But what we don't appreciate are people who do this behind our backs. Worst are the ones who, when they are busted for their back-talks, lie vehemently to cover their behinds. You know, once you're caught with damning evidence, there's just no way to redeem yourself. Instead, one should have integrity. If you had the guts to back-talk in the first place, you should have the guts to admit it, agree?

Anyway, I've digressed. Let me get to my point. The term "bitch" is often said in disgust and anger and it means a bad person. But I suspect that a person being labelled as a bitch is often a misunderstood person. Read the following poem and see if you agree with me.

When I stand up for
myself and my beliefs,
they call me a bitch.

When I stand up for
those I love,
they call me a bitch.

When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts
or do things my own way,
they call me a bitch.

Being a bitch
means I won't compromise what's
in my heart.
It means I live my life
MY way...
It means I won't allow anyone to step on me.

When I refuse to
tolerate injustice and
speak against it,
I am defined as a bitch.

The same thing happens when I take time for
myself instead of being everyone's maid, or when
I act a little selfish.

It means I have the courage and strength to allow
myself to be who I truly am and won't become
anyone else's idea of what they think I "should" be.

I am outspoken,
opinionated and determined. I want what I want
and there is nothing wrong with that!

So try to stomp on me,
try to douse my inner flame, try to squash
every ounce of beauty I hold within me.
You won't succeed.

And if that makes me a bitch,
so be it.
I embrace the title and
am proud to bear it.

I bet my colleagues who are in the running for the Queen B title now wants to be THE Queen B more than ever!

27 Dresses

I love weddings. I love everything and anything about a wedding. Whenever I attend a church wedding, I always get teary-eyed the moment the bride walks down the aisle. It doesn't matter that I don't know her, it just moves me to tears.

One of my favourite movies of all time is My Best Friend's Wedding. I've watched it more than a dozen times and I still enjoy it just as much the next time I pop the DVD into the player.

Now there's a new movie about weddings, about a girl who loves weddings so much that she's been a bridesmaid 27 times! Yes I'm talking about the movie 27 Dresses. I haven't watched any movies for months but I'm interested to go for this one. If not to the cineplex then maybe I'll buy the DVD. The latter might be a good idea so that I could watch it over and over, perhaps?

Reading the synopsis of this movie, it reminded me so much of something I've heard about someone. Just like the heroin of this movie, she has been a bridesmaid a few times, including being her younger sister's bridesmaid next, but never the bride in that pure white gown. Whilst the actress of 27 Dresses is in love with her boss who's planning to get married, I heard this person was involved with someone in her previous work place who is ALREADY married. Spells disaster, doesn't it? Doesn't she realise that this isn't going to put her in any wedding gown?!

On the contrary, I think 27 Dresses would be a feel-good movie. So I'm sure the heroin will have a happy ending that'll see her walking down the aisle, wearing that magical white gown and looking so beautiful. Ahh...that's how I like my movies to be.

Being 30 and loving it

In a week I'll be turning 31. I was okay being 30, but suddenly turning 31 feels a bit overwhelming. Silly, huh? Anyway, I've had a colourful year in my 30th. It felt like a year where I finally grew up.

- The biggest and most exciting change is of course being a mother. The whole experience of being pregnant, going through childbirth and now watching baby grow every day have all been very rewarding.

- I began to invest seriously. I read a lot and learned to take a little risk. I thought a lot about my personal finances and decided to refinance my property.

- I lost my beloved cat, Piper. It's been a very painful experience but it has taught me to learn to deal with the death of a loved one.

- For the first time after being in the work force for 9 years, I really enjoy the company of my colleagues. I only have the nicest things to say of them. I am enjoying where I am right now.

- Too many crimes have happened to people I know. I even saw some of them with my own eyes. This has made me very fearful. As a result, I tend to be more alert and paranoid about my surroundings wherever I am.

- Whilst I didn't care much for politics before, I have become interesetd in the political happenings in the country. The 12th general elections has been a lot of entertainment to me.

Life sure is more colourful these days. Being 30 seems like a big milestone for me. I wonder what is in store for me as I cross over to being over 30.

I was trying to run away

It's been about 10 days since Piper left me. Since then I've cried, was day dreaming a lot, pretended to be happy, felt utter guilt and tried to "run away" from this blog. I suddenly felt like I've made a mistake posting about Piper's death here, leaving a very painful mark in my blog. For days I didn't want to log into the blog because I didn't want to be reminded of the pain I felt when I wrote it, to see the picture of Piper, to hurt over and over.

In the last 10 days, I've tried to talk about Piper, how she was like, all the funny and naughty things that she did, her disease and her death. I was trying very hard to internalise her death so that I can move on fully accepting that she is no longer here.

The worst part of it all is that I feel a lot of guilt, a lot of "what ifs". Sometimes I blame myself for her death. I keep feeling like I've let her down big time, neglecting her till she fell sick and caused her heart condition to suddenly take a turn for the worst.

I try not to show my true emotions to anyone. I think I've done that quite well. But whenever I am alone and let my hair down, I feel awful. That's why I couldn't and didn't want to be alone in the last week. I normally like to have some private time of my own but this time I was so scared of having to be alone even for half an hour.

Tonight I decided that I can't let myself run away anymore, I need to face up to reality and my life and blog for that matter, can't stop. It won't make me any happier, and maybe not even Piper.

I'm determined to take baby steps at a time to come to terms with it and to learn to have only happy memories of our great 5 years together. There's still Prue and Phoebe who share my life...

Piper 5 July 2002 - 8 March 2008

It was the saddest day of my life by far. I have so much to say, yet I cannot say them out loud. I have so much tears of sadness to cry, but I only cried those few times that I cannot hold back. I have so much regrets, but there is no way for me to redeem them. My heart aches so much, but I have to conceal it.

When I last saw Piper on Friday evening at the vet's, I felt so sorry for the little girl who had to be on drip. She was breathing so heavily because of her heart condition. She refused food and water and due to that, she had a string of other complications of the liver and kidney.

She was weak but she managed a few meows. I stroked her and when I found a few private moments with her, I whispered to her that I love her, and I pleaded with her to eat. Her eyes looked far and blank. My heart ached to see her that way.

The next morning, God ended Piper's pains and sufferings. I hadn't expected it to be over so soon. I brought her home, cleaned her up and laid her to rest in our backyard with some pretty roses of different colours. Piper liked to be neat and clean, and she had always liked pretty things too.

Since her passing, I've been told to move on and let her go. It's not good for my sad energies to be felt at home, when there are others who still need my love and attention. Fully agreed on that. But I am only human. Piper was never just a cat or a pet to me. She was someone I loved so dearly. She meant so much to me.

The truth is, I want to let her go. It is only best for her that there are no sad emotions here to hold her back from where she is supposed to go. I know that by feeling so sad and wishing she is still here may make it hard for her to go. But why is it that no one understands that I cannot totally let her go in such a short time? I need to grieve to heal. I need to let my tears flow until they dry out. I need to come to terms with it and not just brush off the death and move on as if nothing has touched me.

I find comfort in believing that Piper is now happy and no longer in pain. She has been given a short life now because she is taking a better rebirth soon. Maybe, just maybe, we will meet again. Till then, my Piper will forever be in my heart. Piper, I love you so much....always and forever. I'm sure you know that.

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven
Will it be the same
If I saw you in heaven
I must be strong, and carry on
Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven

Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven
I'll find my way, through night and day
Cause I know I just can't stay
Here in heaven

Time can bring you down
Time can bend your knee
Time can break your heart
Have you begging please
Begging please

Beyond the door
There's peace I'm sure.
And I know there'll be no more...
Tears in heaven

Piper has a heart disease

It is with great sadness that I have to deal with Piper's irreversible condition. The vet has diagnosed her to be suffering from a heart disease called Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy. Basically, this leads to a heart failure because her heart muscle is thickening and that causes complications in the pumping of blood to her body.

I've been trying to read up on it to know what to expect. The vet is trying his best to take her through this difficult period. I asked him if she feels any pain, he can't be sure. She just feels unwell, according to him.

I read that some cats can live happily for years under medication to control the disease. This gives me a little hope. But there were also some cases where some affected cats suddenly dropped dead. Some advise from websites are to keep the cat as stress-free as possible, and to discourage too much physical activities.

I'm willing to do anything so that Piper will have better quality of life in the time that she has left. This disease is like a time-bomb, I just don't know when it'll explode on me. I'm scared...I'm so very scared of losing Piper. As much as I tell myself that it is okay, that God loves her more than anyone of us and that God will lead her some place better in the future, I can't help but feel so much pain.

What's going on with my cats?

It all started when Prue had a high fever of 40 degrees and was so limp and sickly. Piper and Phoebe then caught on with the fever and I brought all of them to the vet for him to observe and look after their condition because I couldn't get them to take their medication.

Next thing I know, the vet informed me that Prue's condition was improving but Phoebe had problems that hinted at the possibility of the fatal FIP. My heart sank and ached at the thought of losing her, the youngest of the three of them. However, a day later tests have shown that she's clear of FIP and was responding to some medication. I was relieved and things seemed rosy and well again. I decided to continue leaving the girls at the vet's so that Phoebe could fully recover before they are brought home.

Then yesterday, the vet called and for a moment I was happy because I thought he'd tell me they can all come home. But it was yet another bad news. This time, it's Piper.

Sigh, I don't know what is wrong, one by one of my cats seem to have problems and each is more serious than the other. Piper seems to have a heart condition *cries* The vet says that through an X-ray, he could see that the size of her heart is abnormal, it is much bigger and it is a problem. He is suspecting two possibilities, one of which is curable and the other, well, if that's what Piper is suffering from, then all we can do is to give her medication to prolong her lifespan.

Tomorrow the vet will do an ultrasound and whatever tests necessary to determine what it is. Once again, I'm steeling myself up for the worst. I don't know how strong I can be, second time around to face the fact that my beloved cat may not make it. It's really painful. Though I managed to be strong the first time with Phoebe's case, it's hard to contain it now. I feel that I'm losing my courage to be able to let go when the time comes.

This is so painful...please God, please...let my cats live. It may be a selfish request, but I'm not ready. Not yet. But if there are better plans and places for them to be, I accept it but please let me be strong enough to take this.

Huge vet bill

It's been slightly over a week since my cats fell ill. I've been bringing them in and out of the vet and finally decided to let them stay there for better medical care and attention. I'm being charged for boarding for all three of them, as well as their medication and medical tests.

The tests are not cheap because each had to do blood test and Phoebe had more done on her, like X-ray, some specific tests to determine a fatal thing called Feline Infectious Peritonitis. I didn't ask about the costs of doing all the necessary nor the various antibiotics tried on her. All I knew was that I would be willing to pay the price to get my cats well again.

Now with Piper suffering a heart condition, she too will chalk up a huge medical bill. I shudder to think how much it all will come to. Probably a four-figure bill by now.

Maybe a pay day loan or a cash advance wouldn't be such a bad idea at this point.

Before I was a mum...

It's been ages since I've done a tagged post. Dancing Queen's tag is interesting, got me thinking of the days before I had my little boy. So here it is, a tag on "Before I was a mum..."

Before I was a mum;
I wanted a big family of 5 kids (not anymore!).

Before I was a mum;
I wondered how I'll look like being pregnant.

Before I was a mum;
I would get bored hearing parents talk about their kids.

Before I was a mum;
I didn't get teary-eyed looking at sick babies.

Before I was a mum;
The idea of giving up my job to stay home was a big NO-NO.

Before I was a mum;
I wouldn't be caught wearing slippers when going out.

Before I was a mum;
I was scared to be a mum.

Before I was a mum;
I never bought any Dettol product.

Before I was a mum;
I thought I'd only love baby girls.


The first chain of tag:
1. Lovelymummy
2. Pek Imm
3. Momisodes
4. Ling that’s me
5. Janicepa
6. AnnieQ
7. Allthingspurple
8. Montessorimum
9. clumsy mommy
10. Sandra
11. KittyCat
12. VivianZ
13. Sweetpea
14. Sasha
15. Giddy Tiger
16. Wen
17. Jo-N
18. Janice Ng
19. BlurTing
20. ViEmwk
21. Cookingmomster
22. Dancing Queen
23. Eternity


Five pretty mums to continue on with this tag are:
De Bookworm
MamaBok
My Two Girls
Mum & Kids In Wonderland
Mums Gather

Pretty mummies, write as many "Before I was a mum..." statement as you like!

FIP - the silent killer

A week ago all 3 of my cats were down with fever and viral infection. I couldn't get them to take their medication because I can't open up their jaws and pop the pill in. They would keep their jaws firmly shut. So I tried mixing the smashed pill into their food. It didn't work too because they had no appetite. After 2 days, I realised I had to send them back to the vet because they weren't eating and drinking. Prue and Phoebe appeared weak while Piper was still a little active and managed to eat some too.

When we got to the vet, Prue was so limp and lifeless. I was worried sick about her. I wanted to leave them at the vet's for a few days so that he could monitor their progress and most importantly, he is able to get them to swallow the pills. The vet promised to keep me updated of their condition and I left feeling quite satisfied now that I know they're in better hands than mine.

The next day, the vet called and said Phoebe was not looking good. She had laboured breathing and refused food. She was lying down all the time too. Prue, on the other hand appeared better. He asked for permission to do an X-Ray on Phoebe and I immediately consented to it. True enough, something was wrong. The vet found that part of her lung was filled with water, and so is her abdomen. This, he said, could be two possibilities - pneumonia or FIP (feline infectious peritonitis). He said the proten level in the fluid found in her abdomen showed high levels of protein, which then made him suspect that she's suffering from FIP.

I froze when I heard that. FIP is deadly and it kills quickly. My Phoebe is only 4 years old, turning 5 in a month. All sorts of things raced in my mind - how, when, what, WHY???

The vet told me that he'll run another test the following day to test the protein level to confirm it. There was nothing else to do but agree. I asked if FIP is contagious and to my dismay, he said yes. If Phoebe has it, most likely Piper and Prue would have it, too.

The whole night, I was in a state of shock. What if, what if....I know I can't handle the death of any of my cats. Especially if it has to happen when they're so young. But fearing the worst, I had to prepare myself for it and to be strong.

I believe in karma and rebirth. The only consolation I was able to give myself was that if Phoebe is diagnosed with FIP, it's beause God has got plans for her. Perhaps she only needs to serve a few short years in this lifetime as a cat and gets to rebirth into a better place, better realm. With this theory, I was surprisingly calm and ready to let go without feeling too much pain.

Today I popped over to the vet's to see what the results are. I had to wait for a long time as the vet was in the midst of performing surgery. While I waited, I was actually surprise that I felt no nervousness. It will be ok when he tells me the bad news. I was all ready for it. I only wanted to know what I can do next, to help ease Phoebe's pain and how much time we have.

Finally it was time to meet him. What he said still rings in my ears...and these were his words: "I measured the protein level and it has maintained, without climbing up. She is also responding to one of the antibiotics I'm giving her. A FIP positive cat does not respond to antibiotics. So we can rule out FIP at this moment."

No one will ever understand the kind of relieve and happiness I felt in my heart! It felt so unreal...but it felt so good! Then he took Phoebe into the room and really, I've never felt happier at seeing her! She was more active, meowing away and wanting to run away from the vet's grip. It was all good signs, because it means she's active again! In my heart, as I watched her, I thanked God again and again.

There is a vaccination against FIP and I was pretty sure I gave it to he girls. Certainly, you would never know if they can still contract it. But for peace of mind, I urge all pet lovers to give your loved ones any kind of vaccination that's recommended against fatal viruses. It's really not pleasant having to go through what I went through. Never take the presence of your pets for granted. They seem to be there for you all the time but when they get snatched away from you suddenly, it really hurts.

I'm lucky that Phoebe is alright. I don't ever want to go through this again. Which is why the vet wants me to give them their AIDS vaccination. After this frightening episode, I don't think I will say no to this.

The ginger-coloured one is Phoebe, the white is Piper and Prue is the brown/black one.

Easy money

A girlfriend of mine is an aggressive shopper. All the years I've known her, she shops every weekend without fail. Whether it's to buy a few bags of new clothes and shoes, or just a small mug. I've never been to her house, but I'm guessing she must have a big wardrobe and shoe rack...for that matter, maybe she has a big house to store all her goodies!

Recently, times are not so great for her. With many companies downsizing, she is quite lucky not to be given the letter. However, her company did a paycut and she suffered quite a bit "loss". She was devastated as she felt that it would affect her shopping habits. Try as she may, she found it hard to not shop or even to shop less. I started to believe that what she has is more of a sickness than anything else.

But she continued to shop despite her paycut and I wondered how she managed it. After much digging, she finally gave it up and told me. She went for a payday loan to support her shopping binges. Because it is so easy to apply and get the extra money in her hands, there was really nothing to stop her from doing so just to carry on with her "hobby", as she calls it. With that, I don't think there's anything else to stop her from shopping!