It's been about 10 days since Piper left me. Since then I've cried, was day dreaming a lot, pretended to be happy, felt utter guilt and tried to "run away" from this blog. I suddenly felt like I've made a mistake posting about Piper's death here, leaving a very painful mark in my blog. For days I didn't want to log into the blog because I didn't want to be reminded of the pain I felt when I wrote it, to see the picture of Piper, to hurt over and over.
In the last 10 days, I've tried to talk about Piper, how she was like, all the funny and naughty things that she did, her disease and her death. I was trying very hard to internalise her death so that I can move on fully accepting that she is no longer here.
The worst part of it all is that I feel a lot of guilt, a lot of "what ifs". Sometimes I blame myself for her death. I keep feeling like I've let her down big time, neglecting her till she fell sick and caused her heart condition to suddenly take a turn for the worst.
I try not to show my true emotions to anyone. I think I've done that quite well. But whenever I am alone and let my hair down, I feel awful. That's why I couldn't and didn't want to be alone in the last week. I normally like to have some private time of my own but this time I was so scared of having to be alone even for half an hour.
Tonight I decided that I can't let myself run away anymore, I need to face up to reality and my life and blog for that matter, can't stop. It won't make me any happier, and maybe not even Piper.
I'm determined to take baby steps at a time to come to terms with it and to learn to have only happy memories of our great 5 years together. There's still Prue and Phoebe who share my life...
In the last 10 days, I've tried to talk about Piper, how she was like, all the funny and naughty things that she did, her disease and her death. I was trying very hard to internalise her death so that I can move on fully accepting that she is no longer here.
The worst part of it all is that I feel a lot of guilt, a lot of "what ifs". Sometimes I blame myself for her death. I keep feeling like I've let her down big time, neglecting her till she fell sick and caused her heart condition to suddenly take a turn for the worst.
I try not to show my true emotions to anyone. I think I've done that quite well. But whenever I am alone and let my hair down, I feel awful. That's why I couldn't and didn't want to be alone in the last week. I normally like to have some private time of my own but this time I was so scared of having to be alone even for half an hour.
Tonight I decided that I can't let myself run away anymore, I need to face up to reality and my life and blog for that matter, can't stop. It won't make me any happier, and maybe not even Piper.
I'm determined to take baby steps at a time to come to terms with it and to learn to have only happy memories of our great 5 years together. There's still Prue and Phoebe who share my life...
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